1. In a blistering response to the NFL's ban on props for use in touchdown celebrations, Terrell Owens enlists the Cirque de Soleil to whimsically assume the form of the implements and wild animals necessary to complete his latest vision, the avante garde "Grey Afternoon in the Endless Zone of the Loneliness." The NFL is so confused that they accidentally fine New Orleans WR Joe Horn.
2. Ben Roethlisberger, fresh off of his recovery from a motorcycle accident and an appendectomy is struck by lightening while golfing in a PGA pro-am event, injured in a freak banana peel accident, and is finally killed when Baltimore ML Ray Lewis sends a poisonous spire directly into his heart.
(What? Too soon?)
3.Brett Favre decides to retire midseason, not because the Packers are terrible, but to replace Joe Theisman in the booth for Monday Night Football. Favre is heard to say:
I'm so sick of Joe hanging around before the game just so he can tell those stupid stories. "I met with Brett last night, and he told me blah, blah, blah." I can't stand it anymore. I may lose my consecutive game streak, and the guys may be disappointed, but I can't stand to hear one more Redskin-related anecdote that has nothing to do with the goings on. And plus that Tirico, he's an OK guy. I could see workin' with him.
4. Former Viking KR Koren Robinson and former Ohio State standout Maurice Clarrett tragically perish when they don bullet-proof vests, down a bottle of Grey Goose, and make a mad dash from the cops ending in a tragic, Thelma and Louise-style crash off of a high pier into lake Minnetonka.
5. Drew Brees rips off a mask to reveal that he is actually Chad Pennington.
6. Chad Pennington rips off a mask to reveal that he is actually Drew Brees.
7. The Dallas Cowboys sign free agent QB J.T. O'Sullivan as their third string QB. He and backup QB Tony Romo immediately quit the team in order to start a chain of highly successful theme restaurants.
8. Bonus College Prediction: Texas QB Colt McCoy and Northwestern QB Mike Kafka team up in the offseason to run a QB camp with fellow NCAA starter, The University of Detroit's Killer McGangmember.
(Optional punch lines: Paris's Stinky Surrendere', Georgetown's Jack Payola, San Francisco's...actually, let's skip that one. You get the idea.)
9. Jake Plummer's forest compound is finally raided by the BATF.
10. Matt Millen decides to help out the Lions by signing himself to a contract after watching Major League 2 for the 27th time. He is immediately given a ten year extension.
11. Peyton Manning reveals that his random arm flailings are not signals at all, but merely a tribute to the cancelled show Arrested Development.
12. While running his fingers through his long, flowing locks, Matt Hasselbeck is shocked to learn that he has been suspended for four games after violating the league's substance abuse policy.
13. The President's Council on Bioethics issues a stern condemnation of Denver coach Mike Shanahan after learning that his opening day starter at RB will be Mitem Bell.
14. Former Eagle WR Todd Pinkston goes missing during a family vacation to popular Iowa attraction, The Worlds Biggest Field of Haystacks.
15. Ahman Green is downgraded from Batman to Aquaman. And Aquaman sucks.
Division winners: Seattle, Chicago, MotownPhilly, Tampa Bay
Wild Cards: Minnesota, Washington
Championship: Tampa Bay over Chicago
Division Winners: Miami (yes, I'm a sucker), Cinci, Jacksonville, Denver
Wild Cards: San Diego, Pitt
Championship: Cinci over Pitt
Super Bowl: Tampa Bay v. Cinci