Fun Friday: Scientology Edition

Scientology has taken center stage with the recent conversion of The Gift’s Katie Holmes, as well as a now infamous appearance on Oprah by Tom Cruise, the EC thought it was high time that we got to the bottom of this mysterious religion. Over the last few nights I managed to track down a person that has been more influential in Scientology circles than anyone short of L. Ron Hubbard himself. I am referring, of course, to Xenu. According to Scientology the alien ruler Xenu murdered billions of people from around the galaxy on Earth 75,000,000 years ago by setting them next to volcanoes and dropping hydrogen bombs on them. He then brainwashed their spirits, or Thetans, as the church calls them, and they started sticking to living bodies, creating all sorts of trouble. Xenu was then imprisoned under a mountain at an undisclosed location, but he was kind enough to join me via cell phone.

Paul: First of all, thank you for joining me Xenu. By the way, how exactly are you talking to me?

Xenu: It’s no problem Paul, I’m happy to do it. And I’m using a free and clear plan. (Laughing). Sorry, just a little Scientologist humor.

Paul: Very nice. Now Xenu, is it true that you brainwashed a bunch of Thetans into annoying humanity?

Xenu: This is just a big misunderstanding. We were all in a big ship on our way to a concert, and we were trying to avoid paying to park, so we parked on Earth, and the next thing you know this volcano starts going off.

Paul: So the Thetans were not packed in alcohol?

Xenu: Well, they weren’t packed in it, but there was alcohol present.

Paul: I see. So you didn’t murder anyone then?

Xenu: No. Well, I did park the ship, but it was an accident.

Paul. So are these Thetans going around and attaching themselves to people.

Xenu: They’re just sightseeing.

Paul: Taking in the Earth’s natural beauty and such?

Xenu: Right. They especially like Broadway. Have you seen Spamalot?

Paul: It’s a tough ticket. Now Xenu, does the Church of Scientology E-Reader remove Thetans?

Xenu: Actually, I hear they like it. It gives them a little buzz. But they do tend to leave the bodies of those that enter the church because sitting in a room and being audited is a terribly boring process.

Paul: Moving on, how did L. Ron Hubbard discover your existence?

Xenu: It’s a funny story actually. You see, being stuck inside this mountain is rather dull and for a brief period in the early 1950s I started amusing myself with prank phone calls. I started with the heavy breathing thing, but I became more elaborate over time. Hubbard was a sci-fi writer and so I thought that he would enjoy my story, but he got a little bit carried away.

Paul: Scientology is very critical of psychiatry and psychology due to your alleged use of psychiatrists to brainwash Thetans. Can you offer any insight into why Hubbard pushes this view?

Xenu: I occasionally follow your Earth news, and there is a common belief among your American right wing that your American left wing maintains policies to promote poverty because the poor tend to be a part of the left wing. Your left wing has a similar view of the right wing and its lack of promotion of education and intelligence. Psychiatrists promote mental stability.

Paul: I see. What do you think of the number of celebrities that have joined the Church of Scientology?

Xenu: This sort of relates to the last question. Since Scientologists believe that psychology and psychiatry are so dangerous, they have decided to employ actors, as they are also skilled at influencing others.

Paul: Have you seen Battlefield Earth?

Xenu: I actually just got it off of Netflix a few days ago. Just a terrible movie. Travolta really lost it after Pulp Fiction.

Paul: Let’s get back to the Church practices. Scientologists believe that you can become more spiritually developed by examining past traumatic experiences called “engrams” through an e-meter, and that you are the cause of these experiences. How did the e-meter come about?

Xenu: I’m not sure why Mr. Hubbard thought that a little electronic machine would be able to expel 75,000,000 year old beings from people. Besides, it’s actually a love tester.

Paul: Really?

Xenu: Yeah. And Tom Cruise is still a “cold fish.”

Paul: Well, we should wrap things up. Do you have any final comments?

Xenu: Scientologists are cultist weirdoes who have devoted their existence to thwarting me. They charge hundreds of thousands of dollars for useless audits. They claim that I am a monster and was once responsible for billions of murders.

I on the other hand, am trapped under a mountain. You decide who is a bigger threat.

Paul: Thank you again Xenu, it was great to get your perspective.

Xenu: No problem. Thank you.

For more on Scientology, see Scott Burgess's three part series here, here, and here.

Update: Kevin Drum makes a very good point here.