The Electric Commentary

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Warning: Football column this week will be a rambling brain dump.

This is entirely the fault of work, and the Yankees and Red Sox who, on Monday started their game while I was at work and failed to finish before I went to bed.

The A-Rod Bitch Slap

We must coin this phrase and get it into popular use. Personally, I think that "A-Rod Bitch Slap" should refer to any pathetic attempt to cheat. The reason that A-Rod was called out is that he obviously tried to girlie-slap the ball out of Arroyo’s hand. What if he just puts his head down and charges up the line straight at him, and either runs through the glove or plows him over?
According to Section 6.1 of the MLB Umpire Manual:

While contact may occur between a fielder and runner during a tag attempt, a runner is not allowed to use his hands or arms to commit an obviously malicious or unsportsmanlike act.

Bronson did not have a good grip on the ball, and if he’s just running hard through a tag and dislodges that ball, he probably gets the call. No, it was his wussy little slap that exposed his pathetic attempt to cheat, made more pathetic by his repeated attempts to argue with umpires about the call. What was he arguing about? Can you imagine taking A-Rod’s side on that call? What do you argue?

"Your honor, no one has a right to touch my client in that way. He was merely defending himself."

That is the best I can come up with short of the Chewbacca defense.

Say you just ordered a McDonald’s Cheeseburger and you want more ketchup. You could ask for more, taking the straightforward approach, but instead you walk behind the counter and take 20 packets out of the box. That is an A-Rod Bitch Slap. Or you could attempt to illegally deduct the cost of a manicure from your taxes after breaking a nail while filling out a form at the DMV. Or you could use "steroid cream" on your knee. Now that’s an A-Rod Bitch Slap.

Spread the word.

And for more, check out Bill Simmons for the Red Sox perspective, and Ethan for the Yankees.

Football Players That I Personally Injured.

As I have pointed out before, I have the power to injure football players by drafting them in a fantasy league. So far I have used this awesome power to knock off Deuce McAllister, Stephen Davis, Todd Heap, Kellen Winslow, Lamar Gordon, Julian Peterson (yes we have defensive players) Brandon Lloyd, Najeh Davenport, Garrison Hearst, and Troy Brown.
This week I used my powers to fell Adawale Ogunleye, Reche Caldwell, and I got Koren Robinson suspended for four games. Beware my awesome powers, all ye NFL players. And sorry.

Closing Walls and Ticking Clocks

I have already mentioned the Dallas clock operator once, but if the Cowboys hit that ill-gotten Hail Mary, he has to be the player of the game.

With eight seconds remaining and still too far away for a Hail Mary, Vinny threw a little shovel pass to Richie Anderson who picked up a good chunk of yardage and then flipped it back to Terry Glenn who got into Pittsburgh territory. As Glenn was trying to get out of bounds with one second left he was hit and went airborne. The clock was at one before he was even hit. He flipped up in the air, came down, landed out of bounds, and the official blew his whistle, all in the span of one second. I wrote this post in less time than it took to run that play.

Trade Winds

One of my first posts on the website was about how trades would become more common in the NFL as teams adjusted to the salary cap. It is easy to envision scenarios under which bad NFL teams rent players who will soon be free agents to contenders for draft picks. This happens in baseball all the time, and when a player is in the final year of a contract in the NFL, the dreaded "salary cap death sentence" does not manifest.

People were shocked to see three fairly major deals take place this week, but I was shocked that there were not more. Jerry Rice was reunited with Mike Holmgren in exchange for a conditional seventh round pick. He’ll temporarily replace Koren Robinson, who’s going on a four-week vacation, and was dropping the ball a lot for some unknown reason.

Keenan McCardell, longtime Buc holdout, was traded to the Chargers who lost the aforementioned Reche Caldwell for the year.

And the Cowboys and Ravens swapped Antonio Bryant for Quincy Morgan.

I think the NFL would benefit from moving the trade deadline forward a few weeks so those teams could be more certain of their position. This would probably promote more blockbuster deals, and would be more interesting in general.

A quick word about Mark Brunell

They have to take him out. I don’t care if they replace him with a Chimp, (Note: There is no rule that says a monkey can’t play football!) but they have to get him off the field. He has no arm strength left, and after every snap he sprints 15 yards backward as fast as he can. Why would you possibly do this? His 5-yard passes all travel 20 yards. Has he been playing John Elway’s Quarterback?

Keyshawn no longer stupidest, loudest Johnson.

Keyshawn’s cousin Chad sent a case of Pepto to the Cleveland Browns secondary because the thought of covering him makes the stomach rumble. The Cleveland secondary must have taken some Pepcid instead, (Pepcid works in advance, Pepto works afterwards) as they held Johnson to 3 catches for 37 yards. Chad does turn my stomach a bit.

Quick Hitters:

Mark Brunell threw for 95 yards in a winning effort. This bested Bears QB Jonathan Quinn by 30 yards.

The Colts have scored 159 points in just five games. But the Chargers lead the league, with 160 (over 6).

The Packers have still given up more points (152) than anyone except the Niners and Saints.

In a close game, the Bears RB Thomas Jones got 24 carries, which is a good amount. Across the line Clinton Portis got 36.

The new Houston team beat the old Houston team 20-10.

The Dolphins lost to the Bills - in my opinion the second worst team in football. Next week they play the Rams. Can they go 0-16? And if they do, in 30 years will Jay Fiedler, Brock Forsey, Chris Chambers, and Junior Seau all get together when the last all-defeated NFL team gets its first win of the season and split a bottle of Boone’s?

We need to know these things!

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3 Comments:

  • i ended michael irvin's career.
    for a couple years straight, whenever i'd see that jackass on tv, i'd scream "i hope you suffer a horrible, career ending injury!!!" at him. then he did.

    By Blogger ahren, at 3:48 PM  

  • That makes you my hero.

    By Blogger PaulNoonan, at 3:49 PM  

  • "The A-Rod Bitch Slap
    We must coin this phrase and get it into popular use."

    As long as we're bringing new phrases into the collective lexicon, I'd like to add my own: DHG.

    As in, Disproportionally Hot Girlfriend.

    By Blogger RyanSimatic, at 10:59 AM  

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